What does an intimacy coach actually do? - Sky Kinsman’s personal branding session
Sky Kinsman (Website | Instagram) is a sex and relationship coach in the Bay Area. While she has done photo shoots before and is very comfortable on camera, she had two challenges:
How could she convey what a session with her actually looks like?
How could she find that delicate balance between looking ‘professional’ vs. ‘sexy’ in her branding photos?
In this interview, I ask her about her experience working with me and Crystal, my Creative+Intimacy Director on her branding session. The blog post is condensed for clarity, with the full 20-minute interview at the end.
Tell me a little bit about what you do. What is sex and relationship coaching exactly?
In my approach, intimacy coaching is a relationship lab. That means I am in a relationship with my client, which comes with an extra layer of vulnerability. I’m bringing my full self into the session, with all of my empathy, sympathy, shame, vulnerabilities; whatever is coming up for me that day. My client and I are learning to be in a relationship with each other so they can bring that kind of intimacy out into the world into their own relationships, be it with their family, loved ones or even friends. It’s an experimental setup where clients get to try things in a safe setting to see how they can bring more pleasure, joy and satisfaction in their relationships.
My clients run the gamut. I work with a lot of couples, specifically around ethical non-monogamy, helping couples open up their relationships. I also work with a lot of people socialized as women around body image and sexual empowerment; knowing what you want and then asking for it. Recently, I’ve also found myself working with a lot of single men, coaching them in dating so they can go out and get what they want in the world.
Sex and relationship coaching is a little different from therapy. A therapist is typically a bit more impersonal. They’re more about listening and guiding, while maintaining some very strict boundaries, almost like a wall. In contrast, a coach is in an intimate relationship with the client the whole time. There’s even touch involved, though it’s within bounds and fully clothed, but we are practicing true intimacy within those boundaries. We might do some energy exchange, breath work, visualizations and work on developing a deeper connection between us so clients can feel comfortable doing that with others.
What got you interested in a photo shoot?
People often don’t get exactly what intimacy coaching is and what it looks like. It’s scary to make yourself vulnerable and sign up for sex or intimacy coaching. There’s trepidation and shame that comes up. So it was important to me to captura what it’s actually like to be in a session, and specifically how much fun it can be. Most people think of a coaching session and automatically go, Oh God, more growth opportunity work. This is going to be hard; I have to go through all of my childhood shit.
Yes, we do that, but it can be fun along the way. There might be tears, but there’s also going to be a lot of laughter and some intimate sexy fun stuff. Growth doesn’t need to look like sitting in a therapist’s chair for an hour and then not doing anything for a week until you see that therapist again. So overall, I wanted to capture the joy and pleasure and reality of being in a session with me.
I have some experience with being photographed before: headshots that my husband took, body empowerment and sexy photo shoots with local photographers. I love those, but they don’t quite capture what I wanted to show in my brand. They’re not session ‘action shots’. To really understand who I am and how sessions with me are a little different than anyone else who has that exact same title, I needed to show what I do and what I bring to the table.
What was the planning process like for you: the mood board, planning session and so on?
I definitely railed against the mood board at the start! Part of it was the technology piece, I just didn’t want to use Pinterest, scour the internet for images and place them somewhere. But you made it easier for me by showing me an alternative tool.
Once I got into it, it was really helpful because I got a clear idea. Through the mood board, I was able to convey to you that I wanted to incorporate X concept, or do something on the lines of Y image. That was very helpful. Throughout the whole process, I felt very seen and heard, which made me so much more comfortable by the time we actually showed up for the session, even though we didn’t know each other that well before.
How was your experience of the actual photo shoot itself?
Meeting you in person was amazing. The space was beautiful! You helped me pick a space I could do a lot of different things in. We wanted to shoot individual sessions, a couples session, some solo shots, a BDSM session and then some of me and my husband that I’ll use too.
Having Crystal (Creative/Intimacy Director) there was magic; with her grounding us starting with breathing. I had just gotten makeup done and was ready to dive in, since there were only three and half hours left. You helped us be all calm and have fun; it was a beautiful grounding. Once we were in the session, it was as though the rest of the world disappeared. We were just doing our thing, you just happened to be there to capture it. It felt really effortless!
What was it like doing some realistic coaching mini-sessions, but with the camera being there?
It was different for sure! At the end of the mini-session with Crystal, I wanted to do a whole session! I was definitely able to drop in, though not all the way as I would in a real session. However, she kept me really grounded. Your instructions were so subtle that you were able to keep me in the session while still ensuring that I’d still look good for the photos. I don’t think I’d be able to get that vulnerable and do what I did with another photographer. I feel like the intrusiveness of a different person would most likely override the comfort I felt, as opposed to letting the shot just happen.
It was also really interesting for me to see my husband Kody go through that process. He was there mostly to be supportive of me, but when we invited him to be on camera, he wasn’t comfortable right away. But then it was a beautiful thing to watch him get comfortable. It reassured me that you and Crystal can do this with anybody, not just other relationship coaches!
Kody and I had done some practice exercises before, but it had become clear that this is a little fraught to do with someone I’m already this intimate with. But we ended up doing these exercises together during the shoot, and it was both really fun and we got a lot out of it. He was there mostly to be Mr. Helpful, but the exercises that Crystal did at the beginning of the session also helped him get grounded. The way that Crystal and you hold space also helped him get comfortable on camera.
Later that evening at dinner we talked about it. It’s so interesting to have this real intimacy between us captured by somebody else! Kody and I have been to sex parties and that sort of thing where people are watching, but it’s really different when there’s a camera involved and we’re just focused on each other. That’s the magic that you brought into it. We have some close-up shots that you took, but I never once felt like you were in our space. There was a lot of space and breath for us to just connect and allow things to happen.
What did it feel like to see your photos?
I absolutely love them. I’ve been really busy this summer, so I haven’t done anything with them yet. But I have all sorts of ideas for how to use them for the website, and also for Instagram and social media. They captured exactly what I wanted, what it is like to be in a session with me; what it means that I’m in a relationship with every client I work with. The more I look at them, the more I’m developing what I want to say about my work to the world and how I can bring people in. They put out a sense of warmth, welcoming and joy, which makes me so happy to look at them.
Would you recommend this experience to other sex and relationship professionals? What would you tell them?
Oh my gosh, of course I would! In particular, the two of you (Raj and Crystal together). Raj, I’m sure you would have been great on your own, but there’s this magic that Crystal brings to the session. It’s an amazing team that you have because she can set the stage to really hold the container, and then you get to stand outside the container and capture what’s going on. It’s not something that I’ve ever seen working with another photographer.
You also give really good instruction, while Crystal is always trying new things. In this case, two heads are better than one, because we have two different perspectives and ideas.
I also loved the process of the mode board and planning session. That kind of planning is so important when you’re doing really intimate work, like coaches do with their clients.
I’d say that 100%, if you need photographs, Raj and Crystal together are the dream team. You’re not going to find a better, more comfortable space to work with and you’re going to get amazing photos that capture who you are. Not just for me, I know other people you’ve worked with and I’ve seen their photos. And oh my gosh, those photos are so different from mine, but you’ve captured who they are. Highly, highly recommended!
