Why is finding a passion so f*cking hard? Four lessons I’ve learned finding and following a passion in my 30s
I grew up in a middle-class family in Mumbai, India — my mother was a middle-school History teacher and my father was a chemical factory supervisor. My mother was an Asian Tiger Mom, who pushed me to achieve top grades so I could get into the best schools, because that’s what it took to succeed.
The only role model I had the good Indian son — which meant making your parents proud, being a responsible provider for your family — doing what your expected role was in society. There was never any room for my own desires or passions. The question was not even considered worth asking.
I was a smart kid who got those good grades and aced those exams, ending up in IIT Bombay, one of India’s top engineering schools. Even then, I had no sense of what I really wanted to do. It was 1996, Computer Science was heating up, so that became my major.
When you grow up with the constant expectation that you’ll put the expectations of your family and society ahead of your own, it becomes really hard to distinguish what you actually care about vs what you’re expected to care about.
Learning to uncover our own true passions and purpose requires unlearning all of the lessons programmed into us, that cause us to reflexively prioritize the expectations of society over our own needs and desires.
I have had to do this in my own journey, from software engineer to data scientist to finding my creative passion and purpose in photography in my late 30s, and I wanted to share four lessons I have learned on the way so far.
1] Listen to your body — it can tell you what you truly care about
Since senior year of college, I’ve dealt with pain related to computer use. Coding caused excruciating pain and tightness in my arms, neck and shoulders. I was a good programmer, but over the years, I gradually moved away from coding simply to get away from the pain. I went through all kinds of treatments, used ergonomic devices and tried all kinds of interventions.
Today, as a photographer, I spend a lot of time on my computer editing images, working with clients and other business tasks — pain-free.
A few weeks ago, my partner requested some help with a small Python program for some data processing he was working on. It was simple for me, a few lines of Python that took about ten minutes to finish.
At the end of it, the pain was back. 10 minutes was all it took.
Sometimes our body knows us better than our conscious selves. Our subconscious desires and aversions are often expressed through our body.
However, in a culture that almost fetishizes our intellectual and analytical abilities, we pretend that our bodies don’t exist and disregard its signals.
I ignored the pain that coding caused me for over a decade, because I couldn’t see that it was a sign of how much I subconsciously disliked it.
In contrast, I find that even though a photo shoot can be a workout in the moment, I invariably emerge energized and physically relaxed.
While this might sound a bit woo-woo (it did to me), I’ve learned to think of my body as an additional source of information about myself.
By learning to recognize and read that information, we increase our chances of identifying the things that we deeply, genuinely enjoy. More importantly, it increases our chance of recognizing when we’re in a flow state.
Things to think about
How does your body feel during the various activities that you do?
Does an activity make your body tense up or cause pain?
Does it cause it to relax and anticipate pleasure and joy?
2] Recognize when you’re in flow, and how that connects to your passion and purpose
It was an unusually hot and humid day in the Bay Area in late September. I was about to move from San Francisco to NYC the following morning and trying frantically to wrap things up, annoyed at myself for scheduling a photo shoot at sunset. I was tired, had a headache and showed up for the shoot just wanting to get it over with.
Once I began shooting, all of those problems just melted away.
In a few minutes, I was completely overcome by the joy of creating something I truly enjoyed. I was collaborating with my team, bouncing ideas off each other, enjoying the banter while trying out different poses and backgrounds with my model. Time simply melted away.
In short, I was in a state of ‘flow’.
This concept was best explained by psychologist Mihaly Csíkszentmihályi in his bestselling book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Also known colloquially as being “in the zone”, flow is the mental state in which a person performing some activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity.
Basically, a flow state is where you’re completely present with what you’re doing, so much so that you completely lose track of time.
Why is this concept of flow important? Csíkszentmihályi calls flow an “optimal experience”, in that when we increase the time spent in flow, we increase our chances of being both happy and successful.
That’s all great, but what does flow have to do with passion and purpose?
The terms “passion” and “purpose” mean different things to different people. I like to think of them in a practical, actionable way.
When you do something that puts you in a flow state consistently and frequently, it’s a passion.
If the impact you have with your passion feels connected to something bigger than yourself, it’s a part of your purpose.
It was that way with me and photography. I picked up photography as a hobby, using a camera to photograph street scenes. Over time, I started noticing how the act of observing my surroundings put me into a flow state. It was mindfulness in practice. It left me feeling tired, exhilarated and calm at the same time.
As I moved from photographing objects to people, I realized how my work could change people’s perception of themselves, how much it means for a human to be genuinely seen. That deep 1–1 impact has become part of my purpose.
Things to think about
Does the concept of flow sound familiar to you?
Take a moment to think about when you last went into flow. What were you doing?
Does that activity feel meaningful to you, connected to people or the world beyond yourself?
3] Make time and space in your life for flow
About two years into my last job in a startup, a friend forwarded to me an irresistible opportunity. It was with a large bank opening a Center of Excellence for AI in San Francisco, and they were looking for a Director to hire and manage the center.
I was already in love with photography at that time, but I decided to throw my hat in for this job. After a gruelling interview process across many rounds, I got the offer. It would literally triple my paycheck, the perks were insane, and it would jumpstart my career into stratospheric levels.
I agonized over it for a week, and then decided to turn it down.
Instead I asked the founders of the startup I worked at if I could go part-time so I could make time for photography, and fortunately, they were completely supportive.
To this day, I have never regretted that decision.
I worked part-time for two more years at the startup, using the time to grow my photography skills from being a good amateur to a professional. It gave me the foundation to jump into it full-time, while maintaining a wonderful balance between a stable job and a way to indulge my passion.
Most importantly, it did wonders for my sense of well-being and mental health.
Making time for a hobby or a passion with no expectation of return can seem completely frivolous and wasteful. We’re always expected to either be more productive or think about how to be more productive.
I believe that once you start noticing something you’re passionate about, it’s important to make room for it in your life. It’s true whether or not it leads you to money or a career. The fact that it brings more flow and joy into your own life is a worthy goal in itself.
The rest will work itself out.
Things to think about
Do you have a hobby or activity that consistently takes you into a flow state?
Do you actually prioritize that activity?
If not, how can you make a little more room for it in your life?
4] Your path is your own, it doesn’t help to compare it to others
Felix Baumgartner is an Austrian skydiver who holds the world record for the highest skydive (24 miles!). I once read an interview where a reporter asked him how he got to be so brave to make a jump like that. Like most readers I imagine, I expected some inspirational story about conquering fear and such.
His response was surprising, “What most people don’t see is the five years of training and preparation it took to make that one jump!”
We are often told to equate recklessness with passion. You can only demonstrate enough passion for something by quitting your job and going all into it without a parachute, or monetizing it as a side hustle. Otherwise, you’re a loser or you’re simply not passionate enough.
I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to mitigate your risks and take the time you need to prepare to make a jump, or take a winding path of your own.
Unconventional paths are terrifying, especially for people like me who are naturally risk-averse. Many of us have real-world responsibilities. For those of us that are thinking about a pivot in our 30s and 40s, we may have a mortgage and kids to worry about.
Don’t let anyone question your passion for something just because you choose your own way to pursue it.
One of the things I often hear when I tell my story is, “Wow, you have a very unconventional path. I love that you didn’t quit your job right away, but you found a way to do it in a way that works for you!”
You’re the only person who gets to decide what the right strategy is for you.
Things to think about
Is there something you’re passionate about that you dream of doing as a vocation?
What are the risks in pursuing that dream? What’s the worst that could happen?
What one small thing you can start doing today to mitigate those risks?
Want to hear more on this topic?
Jackson Gu, who recently started a podcast called Path to Purpose, reached out to me on LinkedIn asking if I wanted to be a guest. He saw my story on LinkedIn and thought it was intriguing and might help people who were thinking about their own unconventional career transitions.
It was so much fun to talk to Jackson on the episode. It was also an opportunity for me to reflect on my journey and a few things I’ve learned on the way. I wanted to share that in this article.
If you’re pursuing an unconventional path in your career, or thinking about it, I hope this article and the podcast episode are helpful. Let me know through the comments or via DM if you have any questions or thoughts!
